sameinitials' Journal

Confusion
I am so utterly confused and helplessly lost, I just don't know up from down anymore. I wish I could just.... take a step outside of my box, and see what is right for me and clearly know what it is, or rather who it is, that I want.

I know that getting back together with mike would be a bad idea... a really bad idea. Well, that is what all of my friends tell me. My dad thinks otherwise... but does he know best? He has been through these kinds of things before, more so than any of my friends have at least. But, could it just be the fact that he really likes Mike that he wants me to get back together with him??? Everyone tells me that Mike still really cares about me and that it's obvious. If it is so obvious, then how come I don't see it? How come he won't talk to me, or even really look at me in the hallways? How rediculous is that? I can't stand it! He's being so childish, that.... it's just so incredibly hurtful.

And then there is the delema, if that is really the right word, of Steve. I reallllllllllly like Steve. He makes me exuberantly happy, and just... giddy! It's been a while since I was giddy because of a boy. He honest to God treats me like gold. And in some ways I feel as though I don't deserve to be treated this way. And yet, in other ways I feel as though I do and that Mike could have treated me better. It wasn't so much in his actions, as it was in his words, in the way he spoke to me and make me feel verbally. Steve is the sweetest guy in the entire world, and I would NEVER want to hurt him they way I hurt him back in August when I got back with Mike. And most of my heart tells me that I don't want to get back together with him. That I only want to be his friend, his good friend, someone who he can turn to when he needs....me. But noooo! he doesn't want to be my friend. As I said, somepeople think it's because he still really cares about me and he doesn't want to start talking to me and start liking me again. I miss him. In all honesty... I miss him so completely much that I cry over it, at least like once a day.

But I reallllly like Steve. He really does make me happy, and making out with him is GREAT! But.... He's not mike. He's not the one that I talked to every day for over a year. He isn't my first love, my first.....life. And now it is over, and I'm having ahard time moving on. I want to be his friend. But.. somewhere deeeeeeep deeeeeeeeep down.... I think I still want more. I've grown in the last month.. things that used to bother the crap out of me with mike.... don't bother me at all with Steve. SO? Does that mean that they wouldn't bother me anymore with mike? I think that I've just realised some of the things that I did wrong, and I don't want to repeat my mistakes. I don't want to drive anyone else away, and I just want to be happy. And a part of me won't let me be completely happy... knowing that mike is with FUCKING LINDSEY! And kissng her and not me!!!!! I WANT TO MAKE HIM HAPPY! I WANT TO HOLD HIS HANDS AGAIN. I WANT TO KISS HIM, LAY DOWN WITH HIM, SLEEP WITH HIM. I WANT TO HAVE GREAT SEX WITH HIM, WHICH DIDN'T HAPPEN VERY OFTEN, BUT IT MIGHT? WHO KNOWS?

Alright, I'm done being pathetic... for the moment. I'm going to let myself be happy with Steve, and realise that Mike is NO part of my life anymore, what so-ever. So, I'm moving on bucko! No sense in staying in the past, right? I'm just gonna keep smiling and enjoy my time with steve. I just... won't think about mike anymore... he doesn't exist... only if my heart. And i don't want him there anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO THE FUCK AWAY MIKE! PLEASE! I CAN'T TAKE IT. I miss him.... I miss him...

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